Today I had my bio CA2. It wasn't too bad, at least I was able to write some crap in it. Other than that, there's nothing much going on today. Haha! I was a bit crazy today. Bio test was to start at 10, but I came a wee bit early. 8.00 am! LOL... Anyway, out of the 2 spare hours, only 1 hr was spent studying my bio notes. The other 1 hr, I was stoning, staring at the parade square. It was raining by the way... That kind of make me feel so peaceful... The right time to think about a great deal of things. Just what the hell is my role? What the hell am I supposed to be? Haha.... That will probably take a long time to figure out... Man, I am crappin'. What the hell am I writing about anyway....? Bzzzzzzzz.................................

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Today Iwent out with Marie, Jessica and Kenneth. Went to Orchard Road, walked around, and had something to eat at a place called...Marche??? Hm... I didn't really enjoy myself though... First of, there were only 4 of us, when it was supposed to be a CLASS outing. Secondly, we only hanged out for awhile, around 2 hrs or so...Then the girls had to go out with another group of "Friends"... Haha...Dissapointing, dissapointing... Even so, it was quite interesting. It has been long since I went to Orchard. Found out many things has changed since the last time I been there... Spotted one of my old friends there even... He saw me, but I don't think he recognise me anymore...Too bad, haha... Hell, saw he had a gf. Maybe tts why he didn't recognise me. Haha! Oh yea, speaking of that, Jess asked me a weird question today. She asked me whether I liked anyone? Geez, with my looks, I don't even want to think about it. Yupz, very fishy... Maybe she knows something I am unaware of. What else... Marie's sister forgot to bring her key, and so she had to go back home to pass the key to her sis. That means she would probably be late with a date with her friends, so she had to call her friends. That got Kenneth talking about how girls come up with excuses to explain why they were late, and how some of them could be very lame, but TRUE. Haha! Well, thats it. After that short dinner at Marche's(hoped I spelled it correctly), we all went home. Kenneth and Marie took the north-south line heading towards Jurong East, Jessica stayed on, meeting Marie later, I took the lonely train headed to Boon Lay... Ok, perhaps not lonely, I was practically pinned to the walls of the train =P Shopped around in Jurong Point later, before heading home. Ah, home sweet home...

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Wushu Pose...Me second from Left. 

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I got back my maths test paper today.  I can't believe what I saw... I got 18/70. Definitely much worse than my CA1 paper.  That got me thinking... Am I really cut out for JC life? I could study away for hours for my subjects, and all I get back is either a stupid, friggin' pass, or a fail. So why d I persist on in JC? I could have gone to poly instead. Why? Why??? Why can't I seem to excell? Why couldn't I even f***ing pass? So many questions, so little answers... Well, thats it. Sooner or later, my parents will get to know about it. And when they do, I gonna get that dissapointed looks from them again. And I hate it... to my bones. I can't even imagine how I will survive tomorrow even. I am getting back my chemistry paper tomorrow, and I know I will do much worse than maths... Argh!!!!!! JC life, JC life... Bless me...
 

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Today I had the most atonishing, most pleasant surprise I recieved so far in this week. During wushu training, we finally had the training we had hoped for: "san da", chinese for kickboxing. Thats partly the reason why I joined Wushu, though I really joined to keep myself fit. Here comes the pleasant surprise... After the training was over, the teachers-in-charge told us to gather for awhile. They announced that Yi Hui was promoted to captain. And me...I was elected as a Vice-Captain. At that moment, I could hardly believe my ears. I have dreamed of becoming part of the Wushu Committee, but I never thought it would really happen. Haha... Life is really full of surprises. But with great power, comes great responsibility. Perhaps, today would be the turning point in my luck. Perhaps, things aren't really that bleak anymore... I believe.

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One blow after another. Thats what I am feeling right now. This few days, I had a string of bad experiences. First of, I studied so hard for biology, only to get a miserable failing mark for my lecture test. Next I nearly lost my group's PW file. That bloody heavy file, with our proposals, articles, surveys, all those valuable information... If it wasn't for my friends, I probably would forget about it. Though my friends forgave me, I still feel very bad for losing something very important... *Sigh*
Ah, blogs out... Friggin' week...

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Recently, I have thought about emotions, and the good and bad things about them. I have thought of the past few days where I couldn't seem to control my anger. Indeed, I had a lot of time thinking about them... Well...It has always been said that traits such as anger and aggression are to be avoided because they lead to the domination of the spirit and mind. Despair, desperation, jealousy, they are all considered our 'Dark' passions. In other words, these are the emotions that would usually lead to unwanted...consequences. Therefore, we should all just spend our lives, working on how to restrain these emotions, so that we could all live a happier life, no one gets hurt, and life goes on. Well, so here's the 'ideal' state of mind that everyone should practise: serenity. Therefore, the definition of serenity, in this instance, would be the absence of passion. However, this leads to a more confusing question. Why would nature give us these traits, such as anger, when they are not useful? In other words, we should not be experiencing anger and such, because they are not useful. This, obviously, isn't true, because anger, agression, all these 'dark' passions, they are everywhere. Therefore, in my opinion, all our emotions, passion, they are all natural response to a particular situation. Take for example, if you see one of your loved ones being beaten up by somebody, how would you feel? Anger? Naturally, you will become angry. Naturally, you will feel like whacking that person. This anger that you feel, can either lead to a positive outcome, or one that is...negative. If you suppress that anger, there can be no outcome, and your loved ones is still hurt. What I am trying to say is, there's no point suppressing all emotion, and it is not desirable. A person who suppresses his emotions are no more than a machine. An unfeeling living thing. Of course, that still does not explain how these 'dark passion' can be useful. Lets take the above example. If that person had used his anger to find out why his loved ones were hurt, it is positive. That positive outcome can only be due to one thing: self-knowledge(I will talk about this later). In a negative situation, that person will probably beat the crap out of the assailant, or even worse; kill him. In that situation, the anger has totally dominated your mind; all reasoning is thrown into the winds, you feel most like yourself, and all you want to do, is to hurt somebody. In that situation, anger becomes hatred, love becomes obsession, envy becomes jealousy. In that situation, you allow the anger to control what you do, what you think. Thus, a useful and natural response is now a 'dark' passion. So, why self-knowledge? what's so great about self-knowledge? How does it deter a negative outcome? Self-knowledge brings about an understanding of your feelings. The reason causing that sudden flare of anger. Only when you understand why you are feeling that way, only then can you control, or even let go of your anger and to channel this energies to produce a positive outcome. When a person let his anger control, or dominate his mind, it is due to a lack of understanding on his part. Why is he angry? What caused him to be angry? An unchecked passion would lead to impulsive and often ill-considered consequences. A person without understanding(an 'unchecked' passion) will lead to despair and confusion. Despair and confusion, eventually, will feed that anger... Thats when a natural emotion becomes 'dark'. That being said, my opinion is this: there's no point suppressing an emotion, nor is it desirable, because it would result in an emotionless person. But to understand the origin of the emotion, that is possible. A 'dark passion', therefore, isn't really that dark. They are emotions. Passion. They are merely traits that humans have. If your anger leads to disastrous results, it is not because of your emotions, but because of your lack of self-knowledge. In conclusion, serenity stems not from the absence of passion, but from self-knowldge.

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I have always heard of the phrase, "Love at first sight". I heard of it, and I believed it. I believed it, but have never experienced it... Haha... Some people have all the luck at love, and some don't... Perhaps I happened to be one of the unlucky ones. Who knows? Maybe I am just not blessed with good looks. Maybe I have a face that scares away girls. Who cares? Ultimately, you are the one who care. No one else. I don't know why I started thinking about all this in the first place. Maybe it's because I am now living in an ever-changing environment, where all my friends seems to be getting into boy-girl relationships. Perhaps, the question now is, "Why them, and not me?" Like I said, I am not handsome or anything. I am just some average guy who lives a life of solitude. This brings me back to the phrase, "Love at first sight". Does it truly exist? If I have never experienced it, how can I say that I believe in it? Probably because of one of humans' strong gifts: hope. Hope brings about life. Hope gives us all a sense of looking forward to the future, no matter how bleak it might seem. Well, enough of this hope thingy. The thing is, love cannot be forced. No matter what you do, love chooses people. Not people choose love. Perhaps that is how the phrase love at first sight comes about. Haha... all that crap, all for nothing.
I once experienced love in secondary school. I spent 4 years of my life loving a girl, and I know by now that she liked me too. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt something for her. She wasn't all that pretty. In fact, it was her personality that attracted me instead. Her big eyes, cute nose, small mouth... She seem to be smiling everytime I saw her. Always laughing at everything, with that happy-go-lucky nature of hers... I don't what the heck happened, but somebody leaked out that I liked her. Ever since, we avoided one another. We pretended nothing had happened, pretended that we never existed. Now, we have graduated, we no longer are in the same school. I told myself not to give up on her. But in the end, with each passing day, my feelings for her eventually faded, though I was reluctant to... Now? I guess it is over. Well, it might be a great loss, since we used to like each other. On the other hand, perhaps it is good for us this way. There is no point forcing a love when we had never tried communicating with one another. Perhaps, it is a burden that is finally released. Is that true love? If it is, then it hurts. Then again, it may not be. I was still a young and immature teenager then. It was probably infactuation playing its part. Well, whatever it is, it is over. No point regretting over it. Live life as it is, and take what comes to you. I live the rest to fate.

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(O_O) ----Thats the expression thats plastered on my face right now. I just came back from home not long ago, probably about 7pm. I was in school from 2pm to 6pm, just to have some peace and quiet, so that I could study for my upcoming Maths test. Right now, my brain has literaly 'freezed'. Maths equations had become intelligible numbers. The computer screen seem to be bright, and filled with tiny words. Haha... *zzzzzzz*

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