I admit it. I am a coward. To think I spent years trying to figure out my emotions and understand better. To think that for years, I have been performing on stage to other people, be it piano or wushu, I can still freak out when that moment came. I admit it. I dare not get up to ask. I let fear take over me instead. Thinking back about it now, reflecting upon it... I really regret my actions. Or in this case, lack of action. Maybe I should have just not wasted any time, and just do I had to do once and for all... Now, I doubt anything can save me from this mistake. I really am a loser... Perhaps, that gives me a reason not to be defensive if people looks down on me now... And, I really face to face reality now. I had been denying it for the past few months now. I simply am not part of the class. For months, I had tried blending in with my classmates. But the more I try, the more I realise that something is lacking, either in me or them. Maybe I had some strained relations with them, maybe I deserved to be called an asshole for some things I have done, I don't really care anymore. I can't go on pretending that everything is fine anymore. Everything is
wrong. I am not fine. I am not happy. I never was happy... I never was... Right now, all I wish is that I could turn back time, and just forget everything that has happened... But it's just not gonna happen, isn't it? Sigh.... Me and my crappy life.
Life always have some very important obstacles to be conquered, every now and then. And each hurdle that I crossed, I became stronger. One such obstacle was the O levels. Another was my personal test-Piano. And I never did passed that hurdle. But I became stronger. I learnt to move around it, instead of taking it head on. It still hurts me deeply, but at least I am able to cope with it now. Next was my personal relationship. Well, I never passed that too, but at least time heals all wounds. Now one big obstacle faces me. This obstacle has the name 'A levels' written all over it. And for the first time in my life, I don't know how to deal with it. I feel as if I have been sucked down a really powerful black hole, and unable to find my way back. I feel so lost...There are so many things to study, and I just don't know where to start. Every time I finished revising a topic, I reflect back and realised that I am not even 1/4 way. The recent block test have just reminded me that I am not damned prepared in any way. And time is running out. Sometimes, I juz wonder why I decided to go to JC. Its so goddamn far from my house, it takes a goddamn long time to reach school. I am a bloody retainee, and I am probably the worst in class right now. I am so far behind in my tutorials, I have been failing almost every test since the day I stepped foot into yjc. Sigh... Am I really cut out for jc? I doubt so. But... Its too late to change now anyway... Nothing I can do, except to slug it out. Somehow. Know what is the worst part about all this? Letting my parents down. Betraying their hopes placed on me. Being dissapointed in me. These kinda feelings are so much worse than the experience of failing my grade 8 twice... Clearing this obstacle? Hell, its crushing me instead. Now, juz wtf did I land myself into...? Right, DEEP SHIT.
