What does it mean to live as a Human? Lately I have been asking myself that question. Its not about spending your days, doing what you have to do, to survive. Nor is it about slogging your days ahead, hoping to be successful one day. And, its also not about spending days trying to be a good person, hoping to recieve good karma for that.

In fact, life as a human, is everything. We live in worries. We live in fear, we live in happiness, drown ourselves in sorrow, celebrate our victories with friends and loved ones. When push comes to shove, we are capable of banding together to face the threat. Life as a human being, embraces everything. Life as a human, is also nothing. Life comes and goes. Every one of us is just one insignificant, dispensable living thing. When we die, some other human replaces us. When we die, not very human being on this planet is gonna weep for us anyway. Well, heck. Its about how you want to view life as I suppose.

And I suppose, each and every one of us on this planet, have unique ways on dealing with life. On how we live each and every day. Some of us like to procrastinate. Always sit on ideas. Never getting off our asses til its too late to do anything. Some of us are spontaneous people. We do things on the impulse. And heck, some actions are gonna lead us to a whole lot of trouble, but who cares. And some of us, are meticulous planners. We plan and plan and plan, always tweaking our plans, everything is about going according to plans, and what the hell, why do we always plan for the long term, and not short term? And some of us, are momentum followers. We observe the flow of things, and always follow the ideas and cultures that are currently fashionable. In short, we are nomads. Mentally of course. Well, physically too, if you want. Whatever makes you happy.

In fact, there are so many ways that we can hold ourselves by, that it is impossible to list them all here. If I did, I probably would not be able to complete this post anyway. But this is a fact. Different people have very different ways of doing things. No two humans are the same, and no two actions are exactly the same. Even if both of them are just opening the same can of coke. And that is how, I suppose, we should live as a human being. There's no point trying to copy a role model. And seriously, there's no point trying to copy whatever gadgets, or whatever apparels a celebrity is wearing anyway. Coz that's not you. Your friends are going to notice that change straight away. And they may or may not like it. And then you may or may not become the new celebrity. For all the wrong reasons. Have you ever seen a situation where a celebrity paste on a doraemon tattoo on his body, and everybody is freaking out coz they thought that was cool, and when someone else did the same thing, he gets the opposite?

See, the thing is, no matter how much you try to copy a "role model", you can never feel right, because you are trying to live the way your role model view his or her life as. He might feel that life is a place full of opportunities, but you may feel that life is unfair, for example. And because all his actions are going to based on his take on life, you will never feel at ease because you are gonna disagree, mentally, with almost everything he does. Heck, even a twin brother might feel that his brother is an asshole. Well, unless he himself is an asshole.

So what does it mean to live as a human? This question, I suspect, would also be unique to everyone. In fact, I even think that we will never have a definite answer for ourselves, because people change. People change over time. And our ideas will also change along our lives. Only thing is that this change is gradual. I suppose, it would be something like philsophy. Not everybody would understand what the hell is the writer talking about, except the writer himself. And then a few years later he would write another article, and same thing, everyone except himself would not understand the gibberish. Only this time, the writer might not even understand why the hell he wrote the previous article at all. Well, of course, the idea might be simple. Just be yourself. But I suppose, in reality, its gonna suck bad just trying to do just that. First of, we will have to contend with laws. Then there are the invisible cultural laws. The kind whereby you can't see it, but you get to enjoy the consequences of breaking said laws. Then there are also family laws. The kind where you get to see it, you get to feel it, and you hate to follow it. Because they will record the laws on cd and play it to you everyday. So, ah well, there goes our freedom of expression. But well, as human beings, we have an ability to get around by loopholes. So there.

I always liked this quote. "Where is the freedom when you are doing what you feel is right? Nobody chooses the wrong. It is the uncertainty that sets you free." It doesn't mean that you have to break laws. It merely means that sometimes, right and wrong are subjective. No 2 persons will agree on the same definition. And there are times whereby you have to act on what YOU feel is right to yourself. Because if we wrestle with every question that society throws at us, nobody is gonna do anything. And there's also nothing to fear, because in the end, you are just acting on your behalf. You true self. And that's the power of a human being. We are able to make independent decisions in times where we really need it. Decisions based on self-knowledge, backed by our own beliefs, our own uncertainties.

Well, anyone who had actually bothered to read this to the end, or was even foolish to read it to begin with, I applaud you. Because you read through everything even though you didnt understand what am I talking about. I also pity you, because there are no defintite answers to this question anyway. But let me just rattle your brain abit more, by leabing you with a quote: "When you start to become who you really are, you realise that there's nothing to fear. You don't have to know what you are. All you have to do, is choose, and act." And don't bother wrestling with question whether or not your choices are wrong or right. Because time doesn't flow backwards. Good day.

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A chance meeting yesterday, and I have sort of looked forward to it. However, what I didn't expect was the strangeness that has crept in after so long. It was like there's no recognition at all, being so polite when it should not have been. Its like familiarity in its strangeness, more of an acknowledgement, rather than reunion. I suppose, its probably time to really let go, and look on ahead... Time have not done any good at all, and instead, further pulling open a gap that has been there for a long time already. Just like a boat drifting away from the shores, embarking on a long long journey, not even turning its head back once. Haiz... So sianz. Sort of reminds me of my past, when I always gave up at the most crucial moment, always giving the excuse of what will be, will always be. Haha.. Look where that have brought me to. Sometimes I wonder, did I really grow stronger? Or have I in fact become alienated from my inner self? Have I become a stationary stone, when I should have become the stream of running water? Have I really lost my way... when I should have at last found the hidden road in the jungle?

Sometimes, it really feels frustrating when you have really tried so hard, but nothing seems to be going the way you wanted. Sometimes, I really want to withdraw myself. Let myself drown. Heck care about everything. I thought I have found my path recently. Turns out it leads to another ravine in the jungle. And my chance meeting. It's just another slap on my face I suppose. What the hell was I thinking.. Heck, I keep telling myself to let go for the past 2 years. Turns out that I still harboured some of it deep down inside me. Ahahahaa... Screwed up myself there, didn't I? Haha... guess its back to the drawing board, then. Damn this pragmatic world we live in.

Sorry if this post seems too emo for your liking. Just like a woman having her pms every month, sometimes a guy also have to vent out all his frustrations too. Ah. I do feel better suddenly. Hahahahahahaa.....

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Hm.... Been officially working for about a month already. Its really not an easy job, there are so many obstacles, and there are so many setbacks. I have already faced countless rejections already in just one month. Sometimes, it feels so frustrating, when you just can't seem to get anything right, and sometimes, you feel like you are getting nowhere. But somehow, I always feel that its kinda rewarding and meaningful too, when you see that the people you managed to talk to becomes interested, and some even become aware of what we do and realise the importance of it. I suppose, its these small little things that keeps me going, to remind me that my decision to enter this line of work is the right one. I am helping people, and I find that pretty meaningful. I may not be able to help all, but I already feel proud that at least I can help as many as I can..

Haha, I guess most people are always scepticle about what we do, or are simply not interested. What to do? Guess I have to slowly push these guys, and perservere. Sincerity, I believe, will evetually win them over ba. I do have to admit, this job is quite fun! Haha, though the presentations I give are just like JC project work again, but at least I learn alot from my mentor. Ah well, guess I will be making my calls again

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Oh ho ho. I finally changed my blog song already! The title is "Always on My Mind", and it was sing by Michael Buble. However, I do not know who's the real composer and original singer of this song. But what I do know, it is a sweet song. Kinda what I am feeling lately. Always had someone on my mind, but unlike this song, I have never made it known, and probably going to stay that way for a damn long time. Haha...

I just realised something about myself today. I realised I am not a good conversant. I don't think I ever talked so much to other people, not because I didn't want to, but I am always stuck about what to say. Well, I guess this usually ends up in akward silence between me and others. Haha... how to get a girlfriend liddat? I am already 21, soon to be 22 in a few months' time. Haiz, probably a bad habit accumulated since young. Well, I have to admit though, army did changed me, in that I am more open to people around me nowadays, but somehow I am still not good at conversing. Haha... I also realised that I always liked to act cool in front of other people.

Today's wushu training at YJC also made me realise something else. Something Joleena said... Something about generation gap? Well, it suddenly just dawned on me: I am already 21 years old. Haha! Imagine that? Somehow, being 21 just pulls you back to earth with a rude shock. I'm 21, and where am I now? True, 21 is probably the age where people starts their first steps towards their goals and dreams, and its probably something worth looking forward to, but to have someone who's barely out of their teens say that to you, well, its a whole new meaning altogether. When I see my new wushu juniors training and slogging out in their studies, it kinda reminds you that we have already passed on that stage of life, and on to something bigger. Its like nostalgia, something that wishes that you are back to relive those memories, but its no longer there anymore. I suppose, sooner or later, everyone grows up, whether they like it or not. And I suppose, too, that part of growing up also involves learning that everything changes, and nothing ever changes back.

Haha! I write as if I am so old liddat. Gotta have to learn to relac one corner. So, to anybody kaypo enough to read this, learn to cherish your childhood. You only have one go at this. And spend less time on the friggin computer screen. Or the Television. Or the PSP. Go live your life to the fullest. Godamnit. I am 21.

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It has been a series of good news recently. First of: I have been certified by the doctor that there's no problems with my heart!! Yay! Second, I have finally completed the 4 modules required for me to get my license as a Financial Consultant! Double Yay! So far, things have been going smoothly for me. Haha, I hope it continues on that way. Gotta thank my parents for their support they have given me the past few months. Through all the uncertainties, the worries, for helping me get past this 'health' issue, and for giving me confidence to complete the 4 modules. It wasn't easy for them too, through this reccession, besides financially, and for them having to worry about me as well. Don't worry, I will not let your efforts go to waste. No matter what, I will presevere and not let you down. Time to move on to stage 2 of my plans. Hm... Now that I know there's nothing wrong with me, its also time for me to start training again. Time for me to regain my stamina, increase my physical fitness, and if time allows, start on wushu training again. I missed jumping up and down again. lol... I AM BACK! HieroX out.

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Thought of 2 things today. The first was in the afternoon. Went to YJC to help shifu in training the new juniors in preparation for the inter-school competitions. Met a prick who wasn't serious in training, and having that resistance-to-all-input kinda attitude. Had a super hard time trying to change all his bad habits. Got fucked by Shifu later, and he still wasn't happy. But I could see that he's afriad of shifu. So somehow, with this superb brain of mine, *hint hint*I came up with something that goes like this: People with too much pride are by far the easiest to break. That's because they hardly ever are prepared, or even aware, of anything that is in store for them. The second thought came to me in the evening. However, its some random thought, no involvement of any incident of any kind. Individuals like to rate their success based on their process towards goals. People, however, like to rate other peoples' success, by the end result of that process. Dunno if anyone have thought of it before, but, what the hell.

Oh. An update. my fren juz sent me this youtube link. It's about this super metro(or issit feminine?) korean guy singing some english songs. I watched it and I couldn't stop laughing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfwzpHeKTtk&feature=related
and if you are really laughing as much as I am right now, here's another one that gonna make you howl. It gets much better at the middle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBDoIn3BcbY
Enjoy, you sick, loathing bastards.

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Hm. Been long since I last blogged.I suppose most people would have probably forgotten about this blog le. Lol! Anyway, yep. Have ORDed for about 3 months already. I realised that I didn't even require any civilian conversion course, as I immediately snapped right back into civilian life. Well, apart from having some nightmares of being back with the greens in my dreams(pardon the rhyming), and toking to most of my friends with army terminologies, hm.. I dare say Im back on track with my life-long master plan. Well not exactly, but at least a part of my master plan is still intact. I have changed my long term goals and aspirations to something more practical. In the past, I wanted to become a pianist. Or a composer, or a performer. Well, it was quite vague anyway. Now, thanks to my dad's friend, Freddy Sim, I wanna be a millionaire. LOL talk about vagueness.. Oh, well, at least its a dream worth working for. Because of Freddy Sim, I have decided to join his company, working as a Financial Advisor Representative. But first, I would have to get my FAR license, which requires me to pass 4 modules. So far, I have passed 1 module. 1 down, 3 more to go. Haha. I am also studying at SIM part time now, taking a course called Multimedia Design and Technology. Hopefully it would also secure me a future in the gaming/animation industry, should I want to pursue my personal goals in the future. Hm, at least this newly devised master plan is more solid than my previous one. lol.. During the past 3 months I have been catching up with old friends. Friends like Kenneth Chong, Jia Hui, Isaac, some of the wushu gang ppl.. Maybe I should hold a BBQ for the 221 classmates soon. Heck, it was cool hearing that Ah Gui and Wei Cai are getting married manz. I wish them happiness for the next stage of their lives! Hm.. time to get my driving license soon, b4 I lose my skills. Oh yea, realised that my blog song has been repeating for the past year. Time to change to a new song. When I have the time. lol. HieroX out.

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I am going to O. R. D. In what? 12 days time? Whee. And my application for the Multimedia and 3D design degree course has been approved. Double whee. I'm most probably one of the happiest bunch of people right now, acting as if we have all been released from prison. Ah well, NS isn't really that bad after all. You get to do all sorts of crap and still get away with it. Haha! jkjk.. But really, the first day you entered NS, you are really just a child. But once you leave NS, you would realise that now you see things in a very different light. You have ur own perspectives, but at the same time, you are open to all views. Haha.. its very...hm....how should I put it? Enlightening? lol. Anyway, just came back from Taiwan, really had a great time there. Will be posting some pics on facebook soon. Haha. Hm.. so much had happened in the past few months. Our Unit had really come a long, long way. In a sense, I'm glad to be part of this whole process. Very humbling indeed. And.. unfortunately for me, the past seems to have surfaced to haunt me again. Ah well, guess I just have to wait for the cardio report... *Cross fingers* Ah, fuck that shit. I'm gonna enjoy myself. ORD LOH!!!

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